Insomnia--Part of the Uphill Battle and Dangerous Symptom.

Insomnia. According to Webmd, Insomnia is "a sleep disorder characterized by difficulty falling and/or staying asleep" (https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/insomnia-symptoms-and-causes#1). Apparently, I have secondary insomnia, defined by webmd as: "a person is having sleep problems because of something else, such as a health condition" (ibid). And there you have it. This is my 5th night in a row where I haven't been able to sleep, and I'm starting to get worried.

See, I've been "up" for a few days now. Not manic, not quite yet, but because things in my life are starting to turn around, my brain can't quite handle it. See, the problem with Bipolar Disorder One is that any kind of anxiety, good or bad, can trigger mania. And this not sleeping thing is certainly an area of the gravest concern.


When I don't sleep a few things happen, I get very creative, which stimulates my mind even more. I feel the effects of my medication more so than usual. Lithium has pretty much killed my short term memory, and since I haven't been sleeping, it's getting worse. I'm feeling the gaps in my brain, and can actually visualize little wires short-circuiting. I'm not forgetting important stuff, but small things, my debit card, my wallet, my keys, what I just was thinking, ideas, books, character names, people's names, and so much more I can't remember. Not sleeping makes that worse.

I'm also exhausted--my body is pretty much done. And I've been working my ass off at controlling my thoughts (I can't get in to see my doctor, so I'm not able to get the anti-anxiety meds that I need to knock the fuck out). When I don't sleep, I get all kinds of intrusive thoughts, and I'm opposite actioning the shit out of them (DBT skill for another entry). It's why this entry is being born, I'm trying to use a positive behavior to change the negative thought (I'm useless and can't really do things. Opposite thought: I'm useful and can get things done). I've been treating my thoughts like a highway with cars racing. Cops stop each car (thought) and if it's not something that I can use, he sends it back. I probably should use a calmer image, but I like this one.

I'm starting to feel like I'm that guy who walked on the tightrope between the Twin Towers. If the wind takes me and I go too far, it's death. Keeping my eyes and fighting for my balance is life. I'm right in the middle of the fucking wire, and it's getting harder and harder to combat the wind (mania). I'm supposed to see my doctor on Thursday, so I hope I'll get the meds I need, and a med adjustment, and I'll be fine. I want to make it to the other side.

Thank God for Simon Cowell and the nine million videos of him on youtube. If I ever get a book published or a play produced on Broadway, he's a person I'd love to meet. Thank God too for Jeremy Brett videos. Two Brits to keep my somewhat fucking sane in the dark recesses of the night.