Online Posts, Canceling Plans, My Struggle is Real

"Stop exaggerating how you feel, I see your Facebook page. You're going out--clearly you're fine." Or: "You seem fine on Facebook." I think you get my point.

What you read, what you see on the internet is not always indicative of my symptoms, of my illnesses, or of my life. Yes, I am fairly open about my mental illnesses, but everything doesn't always go on Facebook. No one would want to read every single time I wake up from a panic attack, or start going manic or have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, I like to post about the complete opposite--a type of opposite action--to show that I'm 'okay,' which is how I want to be perceived.

I also have a life outside of my mental illnesses, which I like to showcase from time to time. Not all of my posts are about my struggles, a lot of them are about fun things, like my friends, the ridiculousness of my students, Baby Yoda memes, etc. But even that being said, I often get statements such as this:

"You said you were too sick to go out. But you went to work--I saw you posted a student interaction." Yes, I often go to work, like most other people, when I feel like garbage. I don't always choose to post how miserable I feel--again I try to choose to post something funny that's happened. Hell, if I used a sick day every time my mental health was off, I would have been out of them in September. When I cancel plans, I've canceled them for a reason.

Sometimes I need a night of self-care just to help me regroup from the day or the week. Sometimes, I cannot physically stand being in a group of people because I've used all my energy for that during my workday. Sometimes my emotional reserves are out and if I don't cancel the chances of me flipping to either manic or depressed are really good. I tend to use "I don't feel too hot" as a catch-all because that is always true. I often have great friends who will follow up and ask what's wrong, then I'll give more details. But just because I don't feel well enough to keep plans, doesn't mean I don't feel well enough to share a Baby Yoda meme or a picture from perhaps the night before when I did feel good.

With any illness and any mental illness, things can change on a dime. I can be ready to run to keep any kind of plans, and then my brain or body says NOPE! Then I have to scramble. Can I use skills? Will these skills make it possible for me to go and just be late? Or can I just not do this right now because continuing on this path will cause me to go into some kind of spiral? My fingers hesitate always above the keypad to send a text, and I start to shake, and start to cry. Every. Single. Time. Trust me, I get just as frustrated as everyone else, I feel completely worthless and angry at myself. In fact I hate myself. But sometimes, I need to act in my best interest, and then I feel selfish, like I've failed because it feels like I'm not taking into consideration everyone else's feelings. So I send the text and anxiously await the response. Trust me, I read more into "Okay," than most people could. And sometimes I'll post something funny or an event that happened just to take my mind off, just to make me feel normal, just to make me still feel like part of a group and not the outcast I feel like I am.

So please, before you judge me, or anyone else, on posts, or canceling plans, or the discrepancy that is often between the two, take a second to think. Could this person be having an off night that they don't want the world to see, but posting something "positive" instead to try and feel better, or let the world think they're doing okay? Instead of judging, send a follow-up text or email, just checking in. I know I'd feel a lot less awful and a lot less judgy of myself. Empathy goes a long way in life, and it needs to include mental illness as well as physical illness.