Reflections on Therapy

My therapist and I had an interesting conversation that led me to reflect on therapy and on the therapists I've had over the years.

One wouldn't treat me because I was a lesbian.

One told me that I secretly wanted to be raped because of some Freudian theory.

One told me with my two disorders, Bipolar I and ADHD, I'd never be able to find a therapist willing or capable of treating me.

And then there's N. who proves time and time again she's there. Either in session or via phone coaching, and I realized one thing: good therapists are rare, and what a therapist says to you has a lasting impression.

Those other therapists made me terrified of therapy and made me feel as though I was the one who was constantly wrong. I've lived a good part of my life disbelieving in therapy, believing medication was the only way to go. N. changed all of that. I now see the value of therapy, of learning skills, and as I was talking to my own therapist, I thought about how my life might've been different if I had met her sooner, or at least had sought therapy sooner.

I reflected on my failed engagement--would that have been different if I had DBT skills? Of my failed attempts at certain jobs--would Emotional Regulation skills have helped me? Of the weight of my rape--would having a safe place to process that over ten years ago have changed the trajectory of my life? N. called those wonderings "perceived hindsight", because "looking back we think there is only choice A and since that was really shitty, choice B must have been perfect. But there's also C, D E through Z choices that you could have made also. She also said: "remember you can't change other people. You can only change yourself."

And she's right of course. But nevertheless, I wondered and still do, if a different therapist at an earlier point in my life would have made a difference. Would I have avoided all those hospitalizations? Or at least some of them? Would my relationships have been better? I don't have an answer, and N. reminded me in the middle of my musings that such ruminations won't help anything.

But still...through N.'s teachings, I finally understand the importance and power of therapy. Of connecting with someone that holds space for you week after week, empathizes with you, helps you work through the most difficult stuff, and teaches you things about yourself you never knew--especially your own strength and inner power. Therapy, when done right, is a beautiful and fulfilling thing, and I've learned so much under N.'s guidance, that I'm actually, for the first time, I'm excited for what the future brings because I'm the most prepared for new challenges than I have ever been in life before.