Rapid Cycling...

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION 

So it's now 2:43 AM--almost the witching hour, I went on a 22-mile

Simon Cowell Abc.news photo
credit. 

bike ride, took all my meds and I'm STILL AWAKE! I've gone from writing the next great Amerian novel to staring pretty hard at my Lithium bottle and thinking about taking them. I've gone from laughing at Simon Cowell (if I, as a lesbian, had a crush on any man, it would absolutely be Simon. He's adorable, brutally honest and I adore his accent--but that's another blog post!) to crying.

My cartoon for this kind of mood is Tazmanian Devil from Loony
Tunes. He's hyper and goes out of control in a massive tornado. I love that image because that's what if feels like in my brain--a massive out of control tornado, because it's all mixed up.

My productivity has been way, way high, but in forty minutes, I'm crying while watching Simon Cowell because that's all I have the energy to do. (Simon Cowell does not make me cry, he makes me laugh, but my brain just feels like crying. Remember, he's my man crush 💙💚).

Frankly, I feel rapid cycling is waaaaay worse than either being manic or being depressed because it's not consistent. It's kind of funny because this is the one type of Bipolar Disorder that doesn't get as much press attention. I think because it's hard to figure out. Sometimes I don't even know what mood I am--I'm a hot mess. That feeling is also called a mixed mood, for anyone who wants a techinical term.

What rapid cycling looks like:
laughing one minute, crying the next. 

How am I dealing with this whole mood mess? Each time I think of a suicidal thought, I look at my wrist tattoo (for right now) and then think of one thing I'm grateful for. In the past hour, it's been Raman, Dawn dish soap (to de-tick Moppet and me), my friends, and Simon Cowell. When I go up, I think of one thing I want to accomplish during this high. In the past hour it's been ALL THE THINGS, but I narrowed it down to look at a bus schedule to NYC since I have a free bus pass and I'm meeting a friend to just aimlessly wander. That took a lot of effort because focusing is not easy.

Rapid cycling is brutal, but it's just something else that comes along with the illness. On the plus side, I've been watching a lot of American and Britan's Got Talent and American Idol (Thank God for youtube because I cannot, at this moment, afford cable!).

My salvation